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Don’t Let Unforgiveness Break You Down
When it comes to forgiveness, there is both giving forgiveness and seeking forgiveness. And for any relationship to be great, you must get great at both. Seeking forgiveness is being responsible for my part of the problem. I might be 98 percent right and 2 percent wrong, but I need to take 100 percent responsibility for my 2 percent.
Seeking forgiveness means apologizing correctly. Have you ever heard a bad apology? “I’m sorry you were so easily offended by what I said.” “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way.” “I’m sorry, but if you had just done what I told you to do, this never would have happened.” All bad apologies. (I actually might have said one or two of those before.)
There are four steps you must take when asking someone for forgiveness:
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Admit you were wrong. Be specific. Own up to it. No “ifs” or “buts” allowed. Own 100 percent of your part.
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Accept the consequences. Even if the other person forgives you, there may be consequences to your actions. Don’t try to avoid taking responsibility. Accept the consequences.
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Alter your behavior. Don’t say you’re sorry and then go right back and continue doing what you did. Let your actions prove that you’re truly sorry.
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Allow time. Sometimes, the offense goes so deep that it takes time to heal. Allow the time. Don’t expect everything to go back to the way it was after one apology. “I said I was sorry. Why can’t we just move on?” Allow time to build back trust.
There are times when you will forgive the other person and they will forgive you, but the relationship remains fractured. I’ve had situations where I sought forgiveness and gave forgiveness, and still, the relationship was broken. Peace and unity are high values in my life to the extent that I’ve gone the third and fourth mile trying to build a bridge back to the other person, only to find they did not want to cross it. As hard as I tried, they were not in a place to be able to restore the friendship. Romans 12:18 (NIV) has helped me in moments like these: “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” As far as it depends on you.
Some things don’t depend on you. You can’t control the other person or their readiness to restore the relationship. You can’t control their response; you are only responsible for you. Seek forgiveness humbly. Give forgiveness freely. Do the hard work at closing the gap, and then allow the Holy Spirit to do the work that only He can do.
To learn more about Todd Mullins’s latest book, Don’t Let Doubt Take You Out, visit MyCharismaShop.com