Don’t Let Waiting Wear You Out

When my wife and I got married, we knew we wanted to have a lot of kids. Julie came from a large Catholic family and wanted five boys. She grew up playing basketball, and I think she wanted her own team. But when we decided it was time to start our family, we discovered that our path to pregnancy would not be as easy as we thought.

Our seven-year infertility journey caught us by surprise, as this was not an issue on either side of our families. Doctors could not tell us why we weren’t getting pregnant, and when we did, they couldn’t tell us why we couldn’t stay pregnant. Anyone who has struggled with infertility knows it can be a very emotional season. Our season lasted for seven long years.

Seven years of praying. Seven years of seemingly unanswered prayers. Seven years of questioning God. We claimed all the promises and asked everyone we knew to pray with us, but still, nothing seemed to change. But after seven years, our baby boy arrived. October 24, 1995, was the day that changed my life forever. They say if you know you know, but I didn’t know. I had no idea that kind of love was locked up in my heart. That day in the hospital, as I held this little boy we had prayed and fasted for across seven years, I had two revelations.

First, I never knew my parents loved me this much. I was blown away. I always knew they loved me. They never said or did anything that would ever make me question their love, but I had no idea they loved me this much. Second, I heard the whisper of God say, “Todd, what you’re feeling for your son is just a fraction of what I feel for you.” I remember holding Jefferson in that hospital room and weeping. Julie knew I would be emotional, but this was a bit over the top. I never doubted God’s love, but I also never thought He could love me so completely.

There are moments when God pulls back the curtain and gives you a glimpse of reality. Not the reality we see around us with our eyes but the greater reality of God, of His everlasting reality. The Bible tells us that “what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Cor. 4:18, NIV).

That day, when I was holding Jefferson and God pulled back the curtain on the expanse of His love for me, I was unprepared. Even though I had grown up in church, had a degree in theology, and was a pastor, I didn’t fully grasp the greatness of His love. It shook my faith and understanding of God in the best possible way.

I realized at that moment that Jefferson wasn’t doing anything to make me love him. He wasn’t cooing or smiling or contributing to our family at all. In fact, he had already cost us tens of thousands of dollars, and he wasn’t even a day old. That should have told me something. No, he was just lying there in my arms, asleep, drooling. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t need him to do anything to make me love him. He was my son. My love for him had absolutely nothing to do with what he was doing or could do for me. It was all about the relationship. There was nothing he could ever do that would change that.

And God whispered in my ear at that moment, “This is just a fraction of My love for you.” I thought I understood grace. I knew my salvation wasn’t based on anything I had to do for God but only on what Jesus had already done for me on the cross—yet I had no idea His love for me was this intense and all-consuming. My response or attitude toward God doesn’t affect His love for me—or you. He loves us more than we know.

I’ve discovered that when God reveals something to you, it’s not just for that moment in time. Yes, it can bring encouragement and hope when you’re facing a problem, but a revelation from God is eternal because God is eternal. Not only can you carry this revelation with you into your future, you must carry it. This kind of revelation is a gift to be unpacked over time. It is meant to be a Northern Star, helping you find your way back to truth. I once heard someone say, “Don’t forget in the dark what God showed you in the light.” There are times that will be dark, and you need to remember what God showed you in the light when He pulled back the curtain and gave you a glimpse of His greater reality.

To learn more about Todd Mullins’s latest book, Don’t Let Doubt Take You Out, visit MyCharismaShop.com